Cats in the Kitchen

So, Ima gonna get laid off pretty soon, and even though I plan on enjoying some time off, there’s this nagging in the back of my head, “You’re going to have to work again eventually, and this time, you’ll actually have to apply for a job…” (Imagine that being said in a voice somewhere halfway between The Grinch and Emperor Palpatine on the creepy gradient)

Anyway, Skyrates is down right now, so I’ve been lurking a bit in the fan-made chatroom. One user was griping about having to write a cover letter, and I was inspired to create one for him. He countered that I knew nothing about him, or the job for that matter, implying that such knowledge is important in the writing of a cover letter. I patiently explained to him that the two purposes of a cover letter are to catch the employer’s attention, and make you sound awesome. Truth and Relevance are of secondary importance in the cover letter writing business; the name of the game is “Be Yes”

Here is the cover letter I wrote for him. Feel free to copy and adapt it to your own purposes.

Dear Sir/Madam/Other

I totally want this job, and I think I’m overqualified for it. Did you know I was almost Time magazine’s man of the year twice? It’s true! In 1998 and 2004, I attended a nude beach photo shoot for the magazine, (Nude because, in the photographer’s words: “how could we cover such a sexy body?”) but had to cancel half way through both times to save a baby seal baby from an oil spill. I won a ribbon from the local wildlife association, but somebody else wound up in my Time article.

Then in 2006 I located King Tut’s real tomb. That’s right, what archaeologists have always assumed was King Tut’s tomb turns out to be his septic tank. Think about the treasure King Tut flushed down the toilet… Now think about how much was in his real tomb! I would have been a billionare, except my evil rival Dr. Van Keeling was holding my (at the time) girlfriend Megan Fox hostage in his airship. I was forced to choose between rescuing her and retrieving the treasure. Of course I chose to rescue her; As I did so, Dr. Van Keeling ran into the tomb to take all the treasure, but at that moment the desert opened up, swallowing him, King Tut, and the treasure deep underground, where they now live among the mole people.

My other achievements are almost too numerous to count, but I’ll highlight a few more. I’ve been to the moon, twice. Once was rocket assisted; the second time I reached lunar orbit on a cloud of awesome. I have eaten five great white sharks in a single sitting. I should point out that the sharks were live at the time. Furthermore, I carved an underground lair under my house using nothing but a donkey’s jaw, taught a gerbil to speak Cantonese, and wrestled a rabid minotaur… On a unicycle

I can provide letters of reference on request, from Mother Teresa, Will Shatner, God, and a Dinosaur.

Once again, I feel I am the right person for this job and would perform beyond the highest standard you could possibly imagine to imagine, I don’t know why I even bothered to type this far, since you’re already calling me to say I’m hired.

See you Monday,

PEACE!